I sense you slipping away....

I feel it coming dollface. The things you say. we're chatting just a little bit less everyday. I have a feeling you want to tell me we have to stop. I panic at the thought. I know it's silly. I know how things are. but i cant deny what i feel.

Please don't leave me yet. Let me prepare first.

I said something the other day about you and me in our own little world. And it made me think more about it. We are in this little world together. We have a long history together. Good or bad. You said you were married 20 years, and I remember thinking, I've been there for 12 of them so far.

I want so desperately for you to pour out your soul to me. I want desperately to tell me how much I mean to you. How much you need me. Anything, just to let me know that I am not crazy for even remotely feel this way. Every night I say goodnight and a silent I love you.

I know you Kerry, you are so open to me in so many ways and in so many ways closed to me. You control without being obvious. You haven't slipped up once.

I want to pull away sometimes just to see if you'll react but I don't want to call your buff.

I say it over and over in my head. Stop it Carey, Stop it Now. Every day is closer to the hurt.

We are chatting now and I long to be in your arms. You are alone at home for a few hours. And I have this need to be held. For you to hold me, but you don't even do that. Something else you control. I know it.

Oh Kerry, I have to get out now. I don't want to . I really really don't. But it's going to hurt more the longer it goes. Stop it for me please.

I can't hold it in anymore.....

My dearest Kerry,

I am here in my room, thinking of you. As I do all day, everyday. Today especially I can't get you out of my head. My stomach filled with butterflies with every thought. I know I'm on dangerous grounds. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. It wasn't supposed to be this way, this I know too.

But you are the first one i talk to in the day and the last one at night. All day long we reach out to each other. I know you feel it too Kerry, I know it. Maybe not as much as me, but I know you feel the same pulling.

I don't know how we got here, or what to do now that we're here. Everyday I wonder if it'll be our last. I know you know this time is different for both of us. In a way I'm almost sorry that it is the way it is, because we know that eventually there must be an end.

You are emailing me now as we speak and i try to word my busy night less busy so you won't feel like you're intruding. I can't stop....... I want to now because i know it's going to hurt later. But I don't even want to think about it.

I keep saying i'm going to tell you we have to stop, but i cannot bear the thought. I know i'm basing all this on the current state and circumstance of our relationship, but it doesn't feel any less real.

We talk about everything and nothing i love every word. I'm afraid of hurting you as much as i'm afraid of you hurting me.

I stopped talking to michelle about you because i know i'll sound like an idiot. Professing my love for my virtual boyfriend. It's sick i know Kerry, but I love you. And to me, right now you are for all intents and purposes my boyfriend. I sound ridiculous , i know, but I don't have a better way of explaining it.

Oh my love, all i can hope for is that you feel the same for me in some way. And I pray that you leave me before I have to leave you because I do not want to hurt you in anyway.

I realized how I felt after that shameful week I had. How bad I felt that you had to see that ugly side of me, because that is how I feel now. What I wouldn't do to go back and take it all away. I'm sorry you had to see me that way.

I love you Kerry. In this twisted tale of ours a love was born. As deep as it is impossible. Could it be that we both feel like it is unrequited love? Does it matter anyway? It can never be more than it is now. Tragic.