Our 7th Friday in a row....

..and it was better than last. Every time is better than the last and I know it can get better still. I love how comfortable you're becoming with me and my body. If no one is going to take care of you then I want to be that person. You work hard, you deserve to be treated loved and cared for.

I love you.


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Here we go again......

...... That's my song to you .... Neon Trees.

"Oh, Oh, I want some more...Oh, Oh, what are you waiting for?? Take a bite of my heart tonight""
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Mmmmmm......

....Yes baby. You finally gave me what I wanted. What I needed. Just thinking about it now has me so aroused. Over and over again it plays in my mind. Your hands, your tongue, that fat fucking cock of yours. All over me. Damn you for making me feel even more in love with you. I'm going to sit here , squeezing my crossed legs, while I think about all the ways you took sweet care of me and my body.

Mmmmmmmmm.....
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I can't concentrate.....

... What is it that you're doing to me Kerry? Over and over I say the same things because I have to get them off my chest. I can't talk to you or anybody about how I really feel. I can't help but to write everyday because everyday I feel.

And lately I'm just feeling more and more. I saw you a few hours ago and I'm going to see you again in a few hours. I watch the clock. Counting the minutes and hours til I'm with you again. I'm trying to work but its futile.
I know I'm not imagining your openness. You sent me a kiss goodnight. A tiny gesture it may seem, but I know you. Even if you only did it because I do, you did it because you know it would mean something to me and it did. My heart races every time I think of you. I wait to hear the sound of my phone. I don't care what you write, just write to me baby and don't stop.


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In less than an hour......

.....I will be with you. It's only for a very brief time, but i enjoy every scarce minute we have together. I know I'm seeing and/or sensing a difference. Everyday I feel you just a little bit closer than the day before. I know i'm not imagining it. The things you say the way you say them.

I know I know I know that the end result will be the same my love. I fucking know it dammit. I just can't help it. I can't help you. I can't help how you make me feel. I know you can't help how i make you feel. We both know this is going to hurt like hell later.

But i'll worry about later, later. Right now my love, I am all yours. I can't even stand the thought of someone else touching me. Sigh..........

I love you baby

Its all over my face....

Tats walked in and watched me while I was lost in thought. He senses that I'm not right, that I am sad. Why the fuck did I send that email to you. I feel so fucking ridiculous. I have this strange feeling I've ruined everything. I crossed a line I know you didn't want me to cross. But what the fuck do I know about what you want or think or feel?

He keeps prodding. He knows me well enough to know when somethings on my mind. He's upset I won't share with him. I can't blame him, I ask him to be honest with me about his life and relationships but I won't do the same. But how can I tell him I'm in love with a married man?

God it sounds so cliche.



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Why'd I send that stupid email?????

I feel so stupid. I only meant to tell you that I'm thinking of you and instead I tell you ,again, that I love you. But its so damn hard to hold that in day after day. I know I will never hear those words for you, but I'd be happy if you at least appreciate that somewhere out there he has made someone happy. you think so low of yourself and it saddens me that you don't see your own worth. I don't know why I desperately want to be the one to make you feel special. More special than you realize you are.
My mind just flashed to yesterday. And as always I felt it in my chest.

I love you.







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I'm walking on air......

Today I promise not to push you in any way. I just want you to lie back, relax and enjoy as I show you how much I love you in the only you'll let me.
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Today is Friday.....

I will see you in a few hours...... I knew you would make something happen. You can't resist how I make you feel in different ways.

I see the difference babe. I feel it. I'm aware. You are slowly but surely finally relaxing. I feel a shift. I'm not sure where this is going, I just know that I don't want to stop.

Maybe you don't want to admit it, but this is a love affair. Its irrational and all consuming. And in many cases, like ours, tragic. A love that will never be fully realized. But I'll take whatever love we can share.

You can try to rationalize or justify your feelings however you want, but it is what it is. Just let go and go with it. We are already at a point of no return this time around, trying to make sense of it is futile.

Babe, I'm yours....I hope you really understand that. But I think you do.

I love you.


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Deep topics during the day....

Not something we usually do. You gave me a peek today. You showed an emotion and I was elated. I at least know that you do feel something about me and us. That you care about me is obvious. But I want to know what's not obvious. You told me you have emotions but you don't show it. I want to ask why but I know.

I really hope that you were joking about becoming harder and more callous with me. My heart wouldn't be able to stand it.

You said you'd be sad if I met someone, but so would I. I'd be happy to meet someone who could fulfill my needs. But I'd be sad to lose you. I have so much conflict about us...about you.

I am simple to please and want to be loyal to you. But being loyal to you means that I'll bore you. Being loyal means I'll have no one to satisfy the needs you choose not to satisfy.

I know you worry about others satisfying me more than you can, and I want to tell you that I only want you to satisfy me. I know our last time together isn't what we both had hoped but if you only knew how patient I'm willing to be if I thought there'd be more.

You said that you were worse than the others, but its not like that. I'm not looking for just anyone. I'm looking for someone I have a real connection with. I'd rather be pleasured and patient with you than to have instant gratification with someone else. After they're done, there's nothing left.

I love and hate this feeling. I love loving you. I hate that I have to do it alone and from afar.

I feel so stupid writing the same things over and over but this is my only outlet. I can't tell you any of this. I'd lose you in a heartbeat and my heart couldn't stand it.

Dammit Kerry, why the fuck does it have to be like this? Why am I being punished?

I love you.



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Just finished having lunch with you.....

...and it was so nice seeing and talking to you. It was perfect that we were in the city at the same time. I was worried that you were mad at me about last night. But seeing you today made me feel better. It was nice just looking at your face. I wanted to hold your hand, play footsie or anything just to touch you.

You said you might plan something for my birthday. I really hope that means us getting together. You have no idea how much I just want to be near you. I hope you believe me when I said that I wasn't talking to anyone or otherwise engaged in something. I hope you know that you're the most important person in my life right now. That I wouldn't ignore you for anyone.

Lately I've been driving myself crazy thinking about us. One minute I think we're at that point where we're going to start weaning ourselves off each other and the next we're chatting all day just as close as we have been.

I know you feel it too. I know There's part of you that wishes you didn't have the need or want to talk to me all day. You like your control. And with this you can't control yourself as much as you'd like. But you stay, with me, as I do with you because There's something there that we can't ignore. You know it, I know it.

Right now, just thinking about you I feel it in my chest, in the pit of my stomach. That's how I know that's its real. I haven't felt this feeling in so many many years. I honestly can't remember if I ever have. Yes I've been 'in love' before, but not with this kind of connection that I feel deep in my soul.

I long to tell you all of this. I have this need for you to know, if only to help you understand that's its not that crazy that I feel this way. Kerry, my love, won't you indulge me and spill your feelings about me to me? I feel so one sided in this and I know its not. I want so badly to know that I'm important to you, in some way.

But I will wait, as I have all these years for you to feel comfortable and secure enough to share with me.

My love, I am in a daze right now. I can only think of you.

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This leg of our race is over....

We are talking less and less everyday. I know its how you need it to be. Its hurts but its what I need too. I still think of you all day. Waiting for the email tone to go off on my phone.

I want to hear from you. I don't care what you say, just say something. I know this is how you need it to be and I'm going to be as accommodating as you need me to be. But I'm not happy about it. It does help me deal with not really having you.

In my loneliness for you I find myself fantasizing more about you. About being with you. I wonder if you know how I'd love to just lay next to you. Or lay inside the crook of your arm. We wouldn't have to speak. I long for you to feel comfort in my presence. I don't need what I think you think I need. You think you are boring.....but I don't think so. You think you're a loser, but if only you knew how much more of a loser I am.

I like your quiet tendencies, I love how you're a loner. I love how you can't be bothered with people. I said to you once that I didn't think we'd be good together if you were single, but now I take it back.

I have to get to work....where you will be lingering in the back of my mind.

I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. I love you.........



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So its over.....sorta

We had the 'break' talk. I'm not feeling as bad as I thought I would, but definitely sad. I will miss you more than you know and definitely more than you'll miss me. Lol.

I shouldn't have ignored my gut feeling. I knew the air was different. You didn't seem into it. But I'm so needy and that is why we're taking this break. As much as it sucks knowing I won't see you for a long while....maybe ever, I'm okay knowing that we made the best of our time together. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might see you sooner than I think. But maybe That's just my wishful thinking.

I'm sorry if I made you feel bad about yourself. You shouldn't, not with me. We haven't been that intimate in so long and I kept pressuring you. What happened to yesterday did nothing whatsoever to change my opinion of you, my desire for you or my desire to have to inside of me again. I am nothing if not patient and understanding. I still want to be the person to make you feel the way you deserve to feel. Loved, wanted, needed and sexually satisfied. I know I won't ever come close to being as close as I'd like us to be, but I'll take whatever you're willing to give me.

I know and feel you more than you think. I'm connected to you on a level you're not even aware of.

I'll miss seeing and touching and kissing and tasting you. I know it won't be the last time.......

Kisses my love, I love you just as much today as I did yesterday. Don't forget that.


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I'm sick to my stomach....

Tomorrow probably won't happen. I was such a high earlier, now I'm filled with dread. I know you can make it happen babe.

I know now I really have to stop soon. I feel sad , so sad. Will you tire of me already and break this hold you have over me. I can't take this anymore. I am so lonely without you. Everyday it gets better and worse.

Please make it happen tomorrow. Please babe, please .......
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I'm walking on air...

When I think of you I feel it in my chest, my stomach, even my feet. My heart races, my breathing quickens.
My heart pounding, as it is now.


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I was wondering maybe....

.....if I make you my baby, if we do the unthinkable, would it make us seem crazy. Or would it be so beautiful , either I'm saying....if you ask me I'm ready.

Everytime I hear that song I think of you. I can't even tell you because you'd think I'm asking you to leave your wife. Lol

"You give me a feeling that I've never felt before, because I deserve it, you know I deserve it. Its becoming something That's impossible to ignore, because I can't fake it, you know I can't take it..."

God why can't I get you out of my head.




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I am home now.....

...and I can still smell and taste you. How it pleases me so to take care of you. You say I am the only one, but all it takes is one night to change that. A night that i want to know nothing about.

I will see you again tomorrow and it can't come soon enough. I keep thinking any time could be our last. I hope we can make it count. You know what I need.

I smiled all the way home. Thinking about you and your body and how it tastes in my mouth. How you feel in my hands, how your hands feel on me.

I think you know what I need tomorrow. And I hope after months of anxiously waiting you will be good to me. But I know you will be. I would be so disappointed if you didn't.

I was so close on Monday, but of course, as with everything about us, the timing was wrong.

Baby, I need you so bad. I love you.

I Love You today.....

...and I know you know it. Everyday I feel it more and more. You.... You are showing tiny little signs. The things you say, your terms of endearment. My good mornings and good nights.

I feel it....a slight change in you. You're more responsive. Attentive. Aware. I love it. We are so backwards. This was supposed to be over with already. But everyday I feel closer and closer to you. I know you know it and feel it.

Where the hell do we go from here? You say sometimes "when you dump me .....when you tire of me....". And I always say silently, I can't bear the thought of being without you.

You're opening up to me. How long I've been waiting for that. You say its babbling, but its far from it. There are so many things I want to share with you, but I don't dare.

I threw it out there, finally, that I'm in love with you. You responded just like I thought you would. Unemotional. But its okay my love. I just needed you to know. You can do whatever you want with the info. Internalize it, compartmentalize it, I don't care. I just need you to know its real.

I hope that you do react to that knowledge, even if its to yourself.

A thought just hit me. Maybe you're only showing signs to make up for the past. You now know how I really felt back then. I guess it doesn't matter right now. What matters is that we are in sync now. Whatever that means.

We are chatting now, it's weird how i'm talking to you here, and there. lol. And you say you're nuts.

I have to get a job. that will mean I won't see you. Only in the mornings I guess. Not nearly enough time for me. I need your touch and kisses.

I know you're gonna find some time real time for us. I know it. You're going to miss me and the personal attention I give you. You're not going to let that go too easily. You are resourceful and I will wait patiently. All I've been doing is waiting. We both have.

You are asking questions that I don't want to answer but I try to be open to you so you can be open to me. That is all for tonight my love. I shall see you in just a few short hours.

13 days since I started writing....

.... I must sound monotonous. But it's the only way for me to get out whats going on in my head. I cannot keep holding it in. Sometimes i'm tempted to tell you to read the blog, let you in to whats on my mind. But I think I've embarrassed myself enough to you.

You like to say "........ when you dump me......" . If only open up about what you're feeling about us we could attempt to make sense of this. I know it seems like it's all moot anyway because we could never go any further than we are now. But it has been going further, just in a different direction. if we can't move one way, we just have to move another way.

Yes Yes Yes I know . Eventually this will end. Eventually you will tire of me. Or I will finally meet someone worthwhile. But until then I am yours. For as long as you will have me that is.

Yes my love, I have noticed the good mornings and good nights. Thank you.

I love you.

Hard as I try.......

I can't get you out of my mind this morning. I keep thinking about our talk last night. I was close...or at least I'm getting closer.

I don't think you understand how much I need you to open up to me. I am there for everyone...I want to be there for you.

Everyday I fall deeper and deeper in this ridiculous love I think i'm in. I almost blurted it out to you last night. But the last thing I want to do is say something to push you away from me emotionally.

Kerry, this is our time. We are both in this together. We have never been this aware and open with each other, won't you take a chance on me.

It's bad enough that this is coming years too late, but isn't it better late than never.

Don't go through the rest of your life feeling like you should've said something more to me but missed your chance.

Last night when you said it was ironic that you pump me for info while remaining closed off to me, it sent a pang of hurt through me. "Closed to you" the only part of that sentence that keeps looping through my head....."closed to you" "closed to you" It reminds me of when you told me that Laura probably knows you better than anyone. Another unintentional jab that hurt.

I know I can't help those things and i can't expect to feel like I know you more than your wife of 20 years. How said it is that I aspire to be the #2 girl in your life? I'd like to think that in some ways i'm your #1. But it's just something I need to tell myself to help me get through this.

You told me something that I felt were words coming out of my mouth......I think I am predictable and uninteresting if I'm not talking about sex. Don't you know how much I feel the same way? Every day I worry about boring the hell out of you.

I imagine you reading my emails and rolling your eyes in boredom.

Right now i'm listening to music. You've infiltrated even that. My music. I listen to everything closer. Songs I've never cared for suddenly call out to me. I"m listening to Creep. I love his wailing cry. I imagine it being you.

You're emailing me now. I know you're busy. I'm sending you a mental thanks. "Thank my love, for taking just a minute of your busy and crowded day to say hi"

Kisses my love.

Ok, so I overreacted....

I thought you'd be more freaked out about the whole thing. I was convinced you'd be giving us the boot. But no, my love. Because you need me too. You don't have to say it. It'd be nice. Lol. I was so panicked. I feel silly that I told you how bad I felt.

You'll be in the city Friday. You told me knowing that I would know exactly what that meant. I think I want to make my move. We may not have another chance. Every week could be our last. I know you know that too.

I feel like I need to express to you some of my feelings, but it might make you uncomfortable.

I want to tell you that I am so lonely and have been for years. I want to tell you that you fill most of that void for me and that I'm thankful for the relationship we have because I desperately need to feel deeply connected.

I want to tell you that I feel so lost and that you somehow make me feel found. Every single email just as important as the next.

I want to tell you how much I actually think about you during the day. All day long. Only minutes at a time go by before you're in my head again.

I want to tell you that I'm obsessed over you and us.

I want to tell you that I know how ridiculous I must sound. How crazy I must seem to feel this way. I can't help but to think you MUST go through something similar. We talk all day long everyday. How could I not be on your mind all day?

I want to ask you for a sign or symbol of your 'Love' for/of me.

You know I want it and you know I need it. I know your controlling side keeps you from it. But after all this time I would think you would throw me a bone.

Maybe when you kissed me yesterday it was your way of showing me something. In your own way. You kiss me because you know I need it. Your way of giving me something....just a little bit of something.

I think after all this time I have earned some part of you. A part of you that is only mine. I want to respect your boundaries, but it is you and me baby. Boundaries and rules are for another time with other people.

Sigh, if only you could hold me right now. Won't you just hold me one day. Take care of my needs as I do yours. I don't ask much of you. In my head and heart yes, I ask for a whole lot. But I let you get away with being cold and distant. A price I pay for a piece of you.

I hope when I see you on Friday you take care of some of my needs. You know what I need.


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Please not now...... Please don't say it.

I am sitting here filled with dread. I'm sick. My stomach turning. I haven't heard from you yet but i know the conversation is coming. I'm sorry Kerry, this is exactly what you didn't want to happen and it may have happened.

I need you so bad now I don't know what I'll do if it's over. You don't understand how I need you in my life right now. Yes it had to end, but not so suddenly like this. Oh Kerry as I sit here waiting for you to tell me what's going on I can't help but to feel that I may not see you anymore.

Yes our talks are great, and I hope that doesn't go away to, but the way it felt while you kissed me all over was too great for me to lose so soon. I wish I didn't feel this way.

I want to cry, I want to call out to you. I need you to hold me now and tell me it's going to be okay. You have no idea how my heart is reaching out for you. I need to hear from you. Just tell me something. I can't this waiting here.

I know you'll wait until tonight to break my heart. I don't see you letting this go.

As I sit here now, trembling, I can still smell you on me. I don't want it to go away. Damn, Kerry how did it get this way that i'm feeling so hurt. Please don't leave me now Kerry. I don't know what I'll do without you. I thought I wanted it to end but I know that I don't. Not now. I need you Dammit, I need you. Do you know that?

Do you really really know how much you mean to me? I can't breathe, I keep checking my phone. Oh please Kerry don't say it. I hadn't realized until you mentioned it that we had been seeing each other every Friday, and now I many not see you at all anymore.

Oh, Kerry if you could see into my heart right now you'd see it breaking. Please let me be over reacting. Please let me be all worked up for no reason. I know you need me too, but you're control will help you get by.

All I want are your sweet kisses. I haven't tasted those lips in 7 years and now it may be the last time.

I can't take this now. Please say it isn't over Kerry, please, please, please, please.

Its early morning....

....and I'm already turned on. I'm feeling tingly and playful. You've created a monster, baby. Whether its lust or love that I'm feeling , it doesn't matter. What matters is that I feel alive. I feel sexy. Wanted.

We're going to try to meet tomorrow and I can't wait.

I was thinking our 2 trips from years ago. The days and nights I had you all to myself. Why couldn't we have been like this then? Why did we have to reach this level of emotional intimacy now?

If I had you in that tent now I wouldn't let you out. I would make sure that every part of your body was well cared for. You would have to peel me off of you. Closing my eyes I can picture being back inside, the rain pouring outside. Just us two, far from everyone and everything. I would give up all the money I have to get that back.

I can only hope you'll somehow figure out a way to take us away again. Even if only for a night, a few hours. Gimme something, please.


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Just when I thought....

....we were hitting a plateau we figure out a way to get even closer than ever. Kerry I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I thought I was imagining the love I feel for you, but its undeniably there. When you pop into my mind my whole body feels it.

I keep wanting to tell you... I love you. I want you to know that. I don't know why, but mostly just to get it out of my system. I love you Kerry. I love you. I love you.

I don't dare tell you as much as I want to. I know you don't feel the same and I don't want you to feel like you'd be hurting me by not returning the sentiment.

Either way I hurt. I need you so badly. How sad it is that we could never be.

Damn it Kerry.

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I know I'm obsessing.....

Seems like since I started writing I can't stop. I guess with all the chatting we do, this is where I get to tell you all the things I can't tell you. Like today was so lonely without us chatting.

We are chatting now and I want to tell you that I wish you would just hold me. In your arms. Or tell me that you want to.

Instead you are civil and cordial but nothing more. Passive, unaffectionate, and emotionally distant.....from me.

You say little things sometimes that hurt me and I wonder if you know it. They're minute things but they sting. Tiny little jabs. Tiny enough to go missed, but just big enough to be noticed.

I told you how embarrassed i was about those few days but you still bring them all the time. Playfully. Passive aggressively.

I told you how I felt about the tape. You said you would delete, but instead chose to tell me whenever you're watching it. Playfully. Passive aggressively.

I am sitting here, alone in my room, no cable and i'm here for you. I must be nuts.

Even if you did care about me more than you're willing to admit you don't show it so what's the point.

When does this end Kerry? I need you're help on this. I feel like you're waiting me out. And at this pace that could take forever. I try to push you off twice about work. First when you were coming back from vacation and most recently. I try to distance myself to help you help me but you pull me back.

I remember our early conversations about when we would take our 'break' . We'd laugh about it being soon. How long ago was that?

This has got to be the longest we've "been together" in years and years and years.

Sigh, i want to be able to talk to someone about this, but i can't because i'll sound nuts. I am nuts.

I know I'm crazy

This is the first time in months we haven't spoken by this time of day. I know you know it too.

I'm obsessed. Fuck, how did I get to this place? Vulnerability and time.


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I wish I could stop....

..thinking of you. Its almost 10 a.m. And I haven't heard from you yet. I know you're busy and I know we'll talk later but I need to hear from you if only a minute.

I feel so stupid pining over you like this.

I'm lonely and have been for so long and I know I'm using you. You just don't know that I am. Or maybe you, I don't know. I don't know because you shut me out.


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I need more from you......

Yesterday we were together and I enjoyed tasting you and making you feel the way you deserve to feel. But i was so unsatisfied. I told you I was fine but I wasn't. yes, I had a good time. And yes, I enjoyed pleasing you. But I needed you to satisfy me and you didn't.

You know how much I need someone to take care of me, and I want you to be the one to do it. You've seen over the last few weeks how I've acted out for my/your pleasure. You know how badly I want you, but you deny me. Why? I really wish I knew why.

It hurts me that you deny me. Maybe you're turned off by the ugly side of me. But dollface, I did it for you. I wanted to please you and it backfired. Now I can't get you to touch me.

Oh babe, I just need a little loving. I need to feel like i'm cared for. You're so cold to me. It hurts a little bit more each day.

It's my fault that I spoiled you. I let you think it's okay for only you to be satisfied. But I do that all the time, let someone else think they're more important to me.

I want you to be different. Even in the simplest forms I desire I sign from you. There are minuscule signs, but I need them to be a little bit more evident.

I tell you little things to give you a clue as to what I need and they go right over your head. Or maybe they don't and you just don't respond. That's more like you.

Kerry, my unhealthy love, I need someone, anyone, YOU, to show me they care about me.

It's getting harder and harder every day to act like i'm unfazed. But every day i'm more and more fazed.

I just need a tiny, itty bitty, minuscule sign from you. I beg of you dollface. How I wish I could tell you just a little bit of this.

I'm hurtin' today and feeling low, babe. Won't you help me feel a little better? Could you say something, anything? Please, I need help today. Help me Babe. Please.

Our swan song?

I'm going to see you later and I'm scared its the last time for a while. I hope not. I need you.